Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Sunday, 13 February 2011

History and Origin of Saint Valentine



Unfortunately the story of Saint Valentine is yet another victim of the passage of time and lack of extant documentary evidence from antiquity.  However some information remains from which glorious legends and lore were birthed and nurtured.  Furthermore the ideas and aspirations of St. Valentine’s Day are arguably more vital and important to the human race than historical accuracy.

There are at least two ‘Valentine’s’ associated with the festival of February 14th according to Roman Catholic deification.  It was a popular name and was shared by a two Christian martyrs.  Firstly Valentine of Rome, a priest who died for his faith circa 269AD and was buried on the Via Flaminia, his remains interned at the Church of Saint Praxed in Rome and Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin. Secondly, Valentine of Terni, a bishop of Interamna who was slaughtered under the edict of Emperor Aurelius c. 197AD also buried under the Via Flaminia and the Basilica of St. Valentine in Terni.

With so little knowledge of these men, Pope Paul VI removed Valentine’s Day from the Calendar of the Saints in 1969 but by that point it was firmly established in popular culture.

Now the more colourful version of how Saint Valentine’s Day came to be; for this we will start at the end in order to understand the beginning! 

In the days of the great and powerful Roman Empire, paganism or the ancient Roman religion of gods and immortals was predominant in society.  Religion was a useful device to rule nations through fear of judgement or righteous anger of the gods who were ever present and influential in every act of nature and fate of men. 

When the rulers of these kingdoms converted to Christianity after its discreet and secretative roots in society, stemming from the time of the Crucifixion and Resurrection, the easiest way to spread its popularity was not to remove the few pleasures that the devout citizens had but enhance and mould them.  Many of our modern day Christian festivals occur on or around the date of a previous pagan festival as one religious celebration was replaced by another.  For example, New Year’s was the time of the Saturnalia when Janus, the god of doorways, with two faces, one glancing over the past and the other gazing into the future, was worshipped.

In the lifetime of the aforementioned Valentines, February 14th was a festival honouring the high goddess Juno (or Minerva in the Greek).  She was the wife of Jupiter (or Zeus), the king of the gods and thus was associated with the gift of power and also of marriage.  Juno Februa was seen as an observance to purity and maidenhead but this day was also the eve of the start of the Feast of Lupercalia, a festival of a few days that exulted fertility.  During this time the names of prospective young suitors were placed in a hat and drawn at random by unattached and nubile women.  The pair were then bound together for the duration of the feasting and these first stirrings of romance often bloomed into marriages.

As the story goes Valentine (of Rome as the other is forgotten or melds into one being) was a priest during the time of Emperor Claudius II.  Claudius was ruthless and bloody, a determined conqueror who would vanquish his enemies and enhance the hand of Rome.  However it seemed that many young men were not keen to join him on these tirades and the sagely ruler blamed matrimony and familial attachment for their reticence, thus banning the rituals and traditions of the Lupercalia and in fact all potential engagements and weddings.

It is said that Valentine was sympathetic to young love’s plight and wedded couples in secret until his treason was discovered and he was sentenced to be clubbed to death and beheaded.  Such a gruesome end seems almost inevitable for a would be Saint. 

The legend declares further that this cruel justice was delivered on February 14th and that Valentine himself was the first to pen a mournful, love letter to the jailor’s daughter (whom, some versions of the tale declare that he had previously healed of blindness).  The sentimental and tragic fable reveals that he signed this love note, “from your Valentine”.

There is no factual basis for these claims and in fact the day of Saint Valentine, observed by Holy orders, was not affiliated with romantic love at all until the medieval ages of Chaucer, who wrote:
For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make. 

["For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."]
Saint Valentine’s Day was officially established by Pope Gelasius in 500AD and today we send affectionate favours and affirmations of devotion along with Hallmark, greetings cards and accustomed symbols of love and courtship, such as flowers, chocolates and heart hugging, lovable, fluffy critters. 

It is a day to honour the most sacred and miraculous of human emotions that separate us from lesser species and perhaps reveal a spark of something divine.  This day undoubtedly means something very different to modern patrons than it did millennia ago but the admiration and adulation of love and goodness surely pardons any imaginative critique on the history books.


Sunday, 14 November 2010

Libido vs Jealous?

Libido versus Jealousy?

Who wins?  In the cold light of day and social anthropology, jealousy – I’d say.

“Mummy, where do babies come from?”  Well ickle, mini – me, when a mummy and a daddy love each other…

Love there are so many different types of love that the Geeks had at least four words for our one and since poets and artists, and angry rap singers alike have been trying to define love for eons I’m going with the Greeks, ‘love’ is far too vague and universal a word for the specifics and is said so often that it almost loses all meaning.

“Oh, I love chicken teriyaki…I love when I wake up before the alarm and realise I can sleep for longer…I love my job, my car…I love my sister…I love my dog…I love my partner.”  But how?  How do you love them?

Those three words, ‘I love you’ have become a terrifying supernova spiralling out of control due to societies associations.  You can’t tell someone you love them now without alarm bells clanging in your cranium.  I love my friends but I’m not American and the ‘I love you guys’ comes more difficultly because we give love a bad name.

It seems impossible to me that you can date and get to know a person for months and never say that you love them because if you do it means you’re IN love with them, and like frightened bunnies in the highlights our neural synapse jump to commitment, marriage, mortgage, kids and yet the love is no more less true or honest ten minutes before it’s verbalised.

Mankind are amazing and capable of such love and not just romantic love but unconditional love for the family member you wouldn’t even be friends with except for blood, compassionate love for the sick or lonely, heroic love for the complete stranger on the battle field.

But ‘love’ has become an embarrassment.  Such an amazing emotion and nothing in this world has more complexities or limitations and restraints pressed upon it.

We love so naturally why would loving two people be so wrong?  And it’s not.  Socially, anthropologically in family units it’s dangerous and counter-productive perhaps but I don’t see how anyone could ever blame someone else for falling in love.  It’s not something we have control over.  But I suppose it’s not the ‘love’ that destroys monogamous relationships but acting on that love.

We make a choice and stand by it through foul or fair weather in a marriage but it is illogical, when we have spent years looking for the ‘one’ and been in love maybe countless times, that we will never be in love with someone else again.  So what?  We draw boundaries in order to never get to know anyone well enough for that ugly threat of love to become a problem?

How much are we missing out on?  Biological there is the need to procreate and to possess and protect, to build a safe, home for those we love but how many couples could ask their partner to love only one person?  To choose between family or friends and their betrothed?  If we easily admit that our love ones need their space, their mates, their ‘girl’s nights out’ and communion with other beings in order to keep sane and to bring stimulus to parts of their personality that can’t be fulfilled in marriage then how stupid is it to veto a huge part of a persons physically and desires?  To allow that no one person can’t complete another person in every conceivable way including sexually?

And more importantly why must infidelity comment on love?  There are so many different types of love why would we assume that one must diminish in order for another to thrive?

So many futuristic novels, movies etc show a more relaxed view on monogamy but humanity is complex.  In a quote from an episode of ‘House’ paraphrasing here: Your husband may be 90% of everything you need but why settle for never having that full and complete life.  If we suddenly had paralysis in a limb we would do everything possible to cure that problem so why in a truly loving and devoted relationship wouldn’t our partners wish us to cure than 10% of us that isn’t fulfilled.  Why does sex have to be such a stigma especially when the act itself is more beautiful, intimate and honest than most of our actions that our conscience battles with.

We are such social creatures is it reasonable to believe that one person will satisfy us for the rest of our lives and I’m not talking just sexually.  If you think about how much we change and adapt and our intrinsic need to learn and develop, how likely is it that two people will go through their entire lives wanting and needing exactly the same thing?

Marriages seem to consist of the blissful honeymoon period, the getting to know every part of a person and loving the discovery to a beautiful and cherished companionship but no matter how good the book is, do we really want to read it a thousand times?  No we’ll never want to throw it away but doesn’t mean we’re not ready to move on to another phase of learning.

Love doesn’t have to diminish but it can change and does and to deny that fact folly.  By the way I’m not talking about careless one night stands or the ‘eternal bachelor’ I’m talking about love and how there’s too much of it in our hearts to put it under curfew.

Why can’t two people love one another and want to grow old together but be honest enough to admit that even the best relationships can become stale, precious and priceless but stale.  We wouldn’t want to have the same meal for dinner every night of our lives, or do exactly the same thing without variance or challenge in our work places and the home and love is so much more important than these.

But having said all that, two people’s agendas and insecurities are hard enough but adding a third into the mix or a fourth?  Surely happiness is even harder on the percentages then?  Degrees and quantities of love matter because we want to matter and can love for two people ever be equal?  Can our insecurities and jealousies ever go away?  Can pain and hurt ever be avoided?  And so jealousy wins out but how terrifying would it be for most people to admit that as the crux of monogamy?

And while we struggle and bend and mould ourselves into these social constructions, emotions, physical and uncontrollable attractions and needs are winning out more and more:


Infidelity statistics have varied drastically over the past 50 years. The problem with obtaining accurate statistics on adultery is that most people will not tell the truth because it is such a sensitive subject. Controlled cheating surveys are scarce and the below infidelity percentages have been randomly collected from various sources.
Infidelity statistics
it’s tough to get a handle on how many of us are having affairs, given the inherent secrecy.

22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.
14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.
Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.
70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses' extramarital activity.
50 percent of Americans say President Clinton's adultery makes his moral standard "about the same as the average married man,'' according to a Time-CNN poll.
61 percent of Americans thought adultery should not be a crime in the United States; 35 percent thought it should; 4 percent had no opinion.
-One in 10 respondents said they are addicted to sex and the Internet, according to an online survey of 38,000 Internet users.
MSNBC.com and Dr. Alvin Cooper

-Results show that internet users devote three hours each week to online sexual exploits. Twenty-five percent have felt that they lost control of their Internet sexual exploits at least once or that the activity caused problems in their lives.
MSNBC.com and Dr. Alvin Cooper

-Up to 37% of men and 22% of women admit to having affairs. Researchers think the vast majority of the millions of people who visit chat rooms, have multiple "special friends".
Dr. Bob Lanier, askbob.com

-Only 46% of men believe that online affairs are adultery.
DivorceMag

- About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage
"Monogamy Myth", Therapist Peggy Vaugn

BUT

90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.
As a Northern Irish resident I have grown up in a very sexually repressed community.  So mush of the REAL but embarrassing or socially unacceptable problems in EVERY person’s life are rarely discussed which leads to feelings of immorally, shame and loneliness.  It emphasises our differences instead of our similarities and leaves society disassociated and disconnected. 

Adultery is morally wrong but is morally judged by the masses or religion?  If a global shift in opinion were to occur would we be more healthy psychologically, admitting naturally, if morally reprehensible, feelings.  Would the bright light of honesty assuage the guilt?  How many lies do we tell others and ourselves about our true natures?  (Not just in sexual desires!)

I for one, am a hypocrite, understanding the psychology and physically but needing the reassurance and stability of that fairy tale, white knight horse love that I learned in my formative, childhood years.  But I often wonder if a beautiful lie harms more than an unfortunate truth.