Travel Guide for Flying Part IV - Jokes

Aeroplane Jokes and Funnies!

An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Those raccoons are not luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

What was the problem before?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


I deserve a first class seat
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Boarding from what gate?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Half off these tickets
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

The world's smartest man?
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

The Christmas airport
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

Travel Guide for Flying Part II

Stanstead to Dublin!

I love London, there’s always something going on, a comedy show, a live gig, an impromptu street jam or just people watching!  Throngs of lost looking tourists, smells of burgers and stale ale, the ding of one-arm bandits, flashing neon signs, shop fronts so minimalistically modern as to have a single, round, clear plastic table sitting in the window with a designer sock perched on top of it and the call and mystery of the West End.  I was there with a pseudo boyfriend who was in love with me but in a long term relationship and thus nothing happened (thankfully) and he went into possessive control mode.  Now believe it or not I’m the kind of person who will happily get lost abroad or miss the last bus home, thinking it’s not the end of the world, just a new experience and adventure – not him!  So needless to stay when we were going back home we were uber organised.  We left on the bus for Stanstead three hours before our flight was due to board and disaster strikes!

There is pelting rain, the like of which I’ve only seen in summer thunder plumps that lash down in torrents and everything is disrupted.  The Stanstead train Express isn’t running, the roads are at a stand still and it takes us four and a half hours to go for London to outside of London!  Needless to say we missed the flight – everyone missed the flight - through no fault or our own but do the airlines care?  No!  They flew that budding 737 with ten passengers and cashed in on charging everyone an extra £60.00 to get home – THE NEXT DAY!

We had to spend the night at Stanstead airport.  Now if you haven’t been there (and this was almost a decade ago back when I was in collage) all they have are those bolted together seats, with occasional metal arm rests and even they are few and fair between.  Everywhere there was people passed out on the floor like some emergency medical tent in the war and nothing to do but wait.

We did get home the next day (and the flight was delayed) with sore backs and sleep deprivation and an urgent sense of injustice.

Not a flight tale!

A randomer’s story on getting on the ferry!

My friend and I were in holiday mode, preparing to travel to Exeter for the brilliant and bohemian ‘Beautiful Days’ music festival and we needed a rucksack.  So off we pop to our local wilderness store and the chap behind the counter is typically Northern Irish and therefore chatty and conversational.  He tells us about the time we was returning home on the ferry in his car.

Now he sells firearms (no this isn’t a common occurrence in Northern Ireland despite what the world may think!).  He trades in guns for game shooting, clay-pigeon enthusiasts and things like that and he has a trunk load of guns (all clearly marked by brand in their little boxes) and ammuniation.  Of course, he has all the paperwork and legal documentation and permits etc and is used to some discourse when passing through customs but that day they pull him over and spend over an hour questioning him about Wind Screen Cleaner!  Yes, you read correctly – the trunks open and all these potential weapons are on full view and the guards don’t mention them or glance at them once, no, what they want to know is what he’s doing with twenty litres of window cleaner!

Driving to the ferry he stopped to top up his wind screen water sprayer thing and ran into the garage to pick up some scented soap cleaner.  Well they only had a 500ml bottle and were charging through the roof for it so he drives on to the next service station and though and behold finds an offer on 5litre bottles of the stuff for more than 80% less than the 500ml bottle and thinks ‘Happy days!  I’ve room in my boot, might as well stock up as this is something I’ll always need and won’t find it cheaper anywhere else,’ so he does just that.  Little did he know that strawberry scented car soap would involve the summoning of several guards for advance and almost make him miss the ferry!

A Guide to Flying Part 1

Flying Frustration?

Isn’t it curious how exhausting travelling is even though the physical exertion is minimal? How we feel guilty when we’re walking through airport security even though we’ve ‘nothing to declare’? How frustrating it is and how anxious we become when we check the monitors for flight details and see ‘delayed’ or, my favourite, in Belfast City Airport – ‘Relax and Shop’ – yeah right! Every airline has different regulations; every airport has different rules and the probability of smooth sailing is virtually impossible.
In these next articles I’m going to share some travelling stories and tips to avoid them becoming a reality for you!

Gatwick to Belfast!

Expect the unexpected!

I am always conscious when flying to leave time for the inevitable unexpected. I try, though it’s against my nature, to be organised and leave plenty of time for minor catastrophes! Hyperbole? No,welll….! When most people are travelling they are looking forward to a well earned break, a week in the sun, visit with old friends or finally seeing and experiencing that personal interest first hand. Also, especially in this financial market, people often can only afford a brief dalliance in luxury to make a trip they’ve wanted to do for ages so when things go wrong, we’re disillusioned, panicked and so aware of the money we’ve spent to make this happen, the time we’ve taken out of our lives and the preparation we’ve been through.

Two years ago I was coming home for visiting a friend in Surrey and everything went wrong. First off, we were running late to the airport, so my heart’s already racing and my mind is jogging through ideas as to how I can afford to stay another day or buy another ticket only a few hours or day in advance – ie. Expensive!

I get there and I have to check my hold luggage, clothes and random things I can’t seem to travel without and I’m also carrying a small handbag, camera bag (as I used film which gets wiped when going through luggage scanners and expensive camera without the encumberance of tonnes of bubble wrap) and my tripod.

This is fine coming over, no problems but I get to Gatwick and “No, sorry, you’re only allowed one piece of hand luggage”. Now I’ve travelled enough to know that this is common but in all the airports I’d travelled with thus far one piece of hand luggage was a bag, about 50inches by 25inches and then on top of that you were allowed things that you need to keep with you and would be ridiculous to pay for putting in the hold like a camera bag, laptop case, coat, handbag and even umbrella. (it’s been raining out, you’re soaked, you’re brolley’s soaked and they expect you to pay £20.00 to put it in storage or to stuff the drenching thing into your hold luggage? – Come on!)

So, I was completely broke at the time and my flight was leaving in half an hour, I decided to fight ‘the man’ and ran around Gatwick airport asking in all the shops if I could nick a bin bag or large carrier bag because that was the ridiculous thing – all my extra pieces of baggage when put together were smaller than the allowance hand luggage allowance but they weren’t all in one bag!!! So I managed to get a normal sized shopping bag from WHSmiths and put my camera bag and handbag in it. 20mins to spare and I have no choice but to have my exposed and expensive tripod thrown into the hold (for an extra £20.00). I asked at the desk if they could bubble wrap it and she just looked at me with irratated scorn and refused! Of course, you are responsible for the packaging of your items so I probably couldn’t even get any compensation if the thing emerged bent out of recognition.

Right off to departure gates through security. All liquids and make-up in a clear plastic bag – check! Hand luggage much smaller than permitted – check! First, they decide to be particularly finicky with me and ask me to take off my heeless shoes and belt (oh hold onto the trousers) – fine expect it’s T minus 18 minutes. I still set off the bloody alarms! Rough, embarrassing pat down and I think I’m finally on the home straight – No! There was a pot of brand new, sealed, still in selophene packaging Clinique moisturiser in my bag. It was a Christmas gift from my mother and to me represented passing the point of girl to women – my first expensive face cream! (guys – you just don’t understand). It turns out that it’s 110ml and I’m explaining the sentimental value and how it’s never even been opened to the guy interrogating me and at this point I’m never tears. T-minus 12minutes.

He says (paraphrasing) “You could always check it in to hold luggage?” What? Like What? First spend another £20.00 and put a flimsey cardboard packaged, glass pot, 2inches in height in with a giant suitcase and expect to ever see it again? And I’m thinking if only I was here earlier, I could run out and buy a flipping travel bottle from Boots and scrap the contents into it but no – T – minus 9mintes! So I give up and I really feel completely defeated and belittled and angry (especially when I notice the guy stuffing the Clinque into his bag to take home for the wife!).

I understand and realise the significance of the rules but every rule should have its exceptions, allowances and COMMON SENSE in individual circumstances! (by the way can I just point out again that everything I had on me I brought through Belfast to there in the first place with NO bother!).

So there I was, 21 years old and running to the plane in fear of more expense and really, just wanting to be home! And guess what – the flights delayed. After all that the bloody flights delayed and I just stand there, staring at the screen in wrapt emotion and disbelief until a lovely young girl from the Clinque (if you can believe it) counter in the duty free walks over to me from the shop and asks if I’m ok? (Wish I knew her name I’d get her, her Christmas bonus!) I blink, try to smile and stutter “Toilets?”

Trudge over to toilets, taking out my separate bags and chucking the plastic carrier, ‘cause it’s ok now, and collapse in a cubicle and finally, finally cry!