There's a University Course for that?

What do y ou want to be when you grow up?

After cracking up over a bowl of Cornflakes of the idea of there being a 'David Beckam' University course I decided to do some further research, so I scanned the UCAS courses to see what other random interests you could study. I mean people laugh at you for studying Philosophy or Liberal Studies or even Classical Studies or Media but things get even stranger!

I've got a friend with a degree in Forensic Pathology in Northern Ireland when there's only one forensic pathology job in the whole country so she's morbidly waiting for them to die like Prince Charles!!!! and currently working in Tesco's.

Forget History of Art or IT as random and useles courses out in the big bad world and try some of these?

Actual courses from actual UNIVERSITIES (not random small techs) in the UK for 2011!

School of Oriental and African Studies (University of London) (S09)
qualification =
Ancient Near Eastern Studies (Q400)
3FT Hon BA
Bournemouth University (B50)
qualification=
Popular Music (W340)
2FT Fdg FdA
Hereford College of Arts (H18)
qualification=
Artist Blacksmithing (W720)
3FT Hon BA
University of Westminster (W50)
qualification=
Fashion Buying Management (N590)
4SW Hon BA
The University of Stirling (S75)
qualification=
Global Cinema (P390)
4FT Hon BA
Bath Spa University (B20)
qualification=
Contemporary Circus and Physical Performance (W900)
2FT Fdg FdA
Myerscough College (M99)
qualification=
Cricket Coaching (XC1P)
2FT Fdg FdA
Newcastle College (N23)
qualification=
Cricket Coaching (XC16)
1FT Cer CertHE
The University of Nottingham (N84)
qualification=
Crop Science (D401)
3FT Hon BSc
Crop Science with Cert in European Studies (D402)
4FT Hon BSc
University of Brighton (B72)
qualification=
Viticulture and Oenology (D636) Study of WINE!
3FT Hon BSc
Bath Spa University (B20)
qualification=
Professional Musicianship (W310)
2FT Fdg FdMus
Oxford University (O33)
qualification=
Experimental Psychology (C830)
3FT Hon BA
University of Central Lancashire (C30)
qualification=
Fire and Leadership Studies (LN42)
3FT Hon BSc
Writtle College (W85)
qualification=
Professional Floristry (DW47)
2FT Fdg FdSc
De Montfort University (D26)
qualification=
Footwear (WJ74)
2FT Fdg FdA
University of Exeter (E84)
qualification=
Flexible Combined Honours - (Global Futures - sustainability (themed pathway)) (Y004)
3FT Hon BA/BSc
The University of Birmingham (B32)
qualification=
Applied Golf Management Studies (N290)
3FT Hon BA
Nottingham Trent University (N91)
qualification=
Fashion Knitwear Des and Knitted Textiles (W222)
4SW Hon BA
University of Leeds (L23)
qualification=
Mind and Knowledge (V551)
3FT Hon BA
Newcastle University (N21)
qualification=
Philosophical St: Knowledge and Human Interests (V000)
3FT Hon BA
Aberystwyth University (A40)
Qualification=
Welsh History/Information & Library Studies (PVC2)
3FT Hon BA
The University of Birmingham (B32)
Qualification=
Money, Banking & Finance with Portuguese (4yrs) (N3R5)
4FT Hon BSc
Staffordshire University (S72)
qualification=
Geography with Mountain Leadership (F8X3)
3FT Hon BSc
Geography with Mountain Leadership (L7N8)
3FT Hon BA
University of Cambridge (C05)
qualification=
Anglo-Saxon, Norse, and Celtic (QQ59)
3FT Hon BA
Bournemouth University (B50)
qualification=
Sustainable Graphics & Packaging Design (Top Up) (W214)
1FT Hon BA

Edge Hill University (E42)
qualification=
Playwork (X312)
2FT Fdg FdA
Central School of Speech and Drama, University of London (C35)
qualification=
Theatre Practice: Puppetry (W441)
3FT Hon BA
Brunel University (B84)
qualification=
Creative Writing (W800)
3FT Hon BA
Harper Adams University College (H12)
qualification=
Off Road Vehicle Design - Marketing & Management (H3N5)
4SW Hon BSc#
Off-Road Vehicle Design (H336)
3FT/4SW Hon BEng
Aberystwyth University (A40)
qualification=
Romance Languages (4 years) (Q990)
4FT Hon BA
Coventry University (C85)
qualification=
Disaster Management (NH22)
3FT/4SW Hon BSc
Neath Port Talbot College (N13)
qualification=
Substance Misuse (L591)
1FT Cer CertHE
Cornwall College (C78)
qualification=
Surf Science and Technology (CF68)
2FT Fdg FdSc
University of Worcester (W80)
qualification=
Arboriculture & Tree Management (D501)
1FT Hon BSc
The University of Nottingham (N84)
qualification=
Viking Studies (VQ43)
3FT Hon BA
I love the way that if you stick 'sciences' onto the end of something it becomes legitimate - Rugby Sciences, Cat Showwing Scienes! So what on earth DO you do with a BA in Road Management?

Street Performance Lines and Banter

List of typical street lines and banter (just off the top of my head!)

1.)    (person walks through your show)

Response: It’s ok, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

                  I don’t walk into your bedroom in the middle of the night when you’re trying to perform!

It’s ok ladies and gentlemen, that man is just my agent and look at me I’m working on the streets.

Variation ~ That woman is my dear old mum – don’t worry she never acknowledges me in public.  I love you mummy!!!

2.)    ‘Something’ of Death or Doom, eg. The unicycle of death, the knives of death, the fire of doom etc.

3.)    (Parent with kid on Shoulders)  Excuse me sir, do you realise there’s a small child growing out of your head.  Small child, do you realise there’s a man growing out of your…never mind.

4.)    Juggling ~ There is a stage in every man’s life when their balls have to drop.

5.)    (man looking nonplussed with their hands in pockets) Please take your hands out of your pockets; this is a kid’s show.  Or  Take your hands out of your pockets we all know what you’re doing down there,

6.)    (Woman looking nonplussed with arms crossed) You might want to unfold your arms, you’ll squish your breasts or it’ll hurt when you clap.

7.)    I want you all to whoop, cheer, clap, throw small children in the air, you sir?  I want you to drop your pants and go ‘Whoooo’ when I count to tree for no reason at all just so we can grow our crowd and people will think I’m great.

8.)    Late comers ~ Sorry the shows over and now we’re talking about Jesus.

9.)    And for my big finale I will kill a small child.

10.)                        Hat lines ~ Stop, wait, don’t move and don’t walk away like those cheap chavs over there.

If you meet me in a pub and I showed you a card trick you’d probably buy me a pint and a pint is what, £5.00 in this economy.

Please come up and put some money in my hat, just open your wallet, take it out and fold it neatly.

If you don’t have any cash there’s a cash machine over there.

Rewarding a volunteer (usually a small child) with a note (money) and saying that they deserved it for being so brave as to come out there in front of all those people and perform for them.

I’m not paid or sponsored to be here not by the bank, the (whatever) shop your near, not by the government or any other criminal organisation.

If you’ve just arrived and wondering what’s happening, people are giving me money for no reason, come join them!

Travel Guide for Flying Part IV - Jokes

Aeroplane Jokes and Funnies!

An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Those raccoons are not luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

What was the problem before?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


I deserve a first class seat
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Boarding from what gate?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Half off these tickets
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

The world's smartest man?
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

The Christmas airport
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

Travel Guide for Flying Part II

Stanstead to Dublin!

I love London, there’s always something going on, a comedy show, a live gig, an impromptu street jam or just people watching!  Throngs of lost looking tourists, smells of burgers and stale ale, the ding of one-arm bandits, flashing neon signs, shop fronts so minimalistically modern as to have a single, round, clear plastic table sitting in the window with a designer sock perched on top of it and the call and mystery of the West End.  I was there with a pseudo boyfriend who was in love with me but in a long term relationship and thus nothing happened (thankfully) and he went into possessive control mode.  Now believe it or not I’m the kind of person who will happily get lost abroad or miss the last bus home, thinking it’s not the end of the world, just a new experience and adventure – not him!  So needless to stay when we were going back home we were uber organised.  We left on the bus for Stanstead three hours before our flight was due to board and disaster strikes!

There is pelting rain, the like of which I’ve only seen in summer thunder plumps that lash down in torrents and everything is disrupted.  The Stanstead train Express isn’t running, the roads are at a stand still and it takes us four and a half hours to go for London to outside of London!  Needless to say we missed the flight – everyone missed the flight - through no fault or our own but do the airlines care?  No!  They flew that budding 737 with ten passengers and cashed in on charging everyone an extra £60.00 to get home – THE NEXT DAY!

We had to spend the night at Stanstead airport.  Now if you haven’t been there (and this was almost a decade ago back when I was in collage) all they have are those bolted together seats, with occasional metal arm rests and even they are few and fair between.  Everywhere there was people passed out on the floor like some emergency medical tent in the war and nothing to do but wait.

We did get home the next day (and the flight was delayed) with sore backs and sleep deprivation and an urgent sense of injustice.

Not a flight tale!

A randomer’s story on getting on the ferry!

My friend and I were in holiday mode, preparing to travel to Exeter for the brilliant and bohemian ‘Beautiful Days’ music festival and we needed a rucksack.  So off we pop to our local wilderness store and the chap behind the counter is typically Northern Irish and therefore chatty and conversational.  He tells us about the time we was returning home on the ferry in his car.

Now he sells firearms (no this isn’t a common occurrence in Northern Ireland despite what the world may think!).  He trades in guns for game shooting, clay-pigeon enthusiasts and things like that and he has a trunk load of guns (all clearly marked by brand in their little boxes) and ammuniation.  Of course, he has all the paperwork and legal documentation and permits etc and is used to some discourse when passing through customs but that day they pull him over and spend over an hour questioning him about Wind Screen Cleaner!  Yes, you read correctly – the trunks open and all these potential weapons are on full view and the guards don’t mention them or glance at them once, no, what they want to know is what he’s doing with twenty litres of window cleaner!

Driving to the ferry he stopped to top up his wind screen water sprayer thing and ran into the garage to pick up some scented soap cleaner.  Well they only had a 500ml bottle and were charging through the roof for it so he drives on to the next service station and though and behold finds an offer on 5litre bottles of the stuff for more than 80% less than the 500ml bottle and thinks ‘Happy days!  I’ve room in my boot, might as well stock up as this is something I’ll always need and won’t find it cheaper anywhere else,’ so he does just that.  Little did he know that strawberry scented car soap would involve the summoning of several guards for advance and almost make him miss the ferry!